Respectfully Yours - Study Guide (10 pack)

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Your words reveal your heart.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.