Love and Respect for a Lifetime

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.