Cuaderno de Amor y Respeto

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

We are equal but we are not the same.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.