The Language of Love & Respect Workbook

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Your words reveal your heart.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

We are equal but we are not the same.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”