Respectfully Yours - Leader's Guide

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

We are equal but we are not the same.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.